Friday, August 24, 2007
Five Easy Steps to Become a Commercialist: Or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love My TV.
Hi, my name is Moose Beard and I'm a proud, law-abiding, evangelical atheist, with an unhealthy addiction to commercialism. I'd go as so far to say I'm a regular old radical consumerist, a commercialist so to say. It is my main source of sustenance in these high octane, coke-fueled frenzied times. Constantly I sit in front of my television, sipping on my brand name alcohol, smoking my organic cigarettes, and eating my all natural frozen microwavable meals, watching nothing but constant streams of advertisements to be consumed intravenously.
This is me, a cosmonaut of the new age, and I'm perfectly fine with it. Hug your televisions, your media sponsored internet, hug it with all you got until your muscles explode in a fiery burst of blood and hair. This is the new drug fellas, this is the new form expression, and it's only the beginning.
But enough with these introductory matters, now onto how you too can become a poster-child of the modern age. There are five easy steps for one to become a true commercialist, and if you follow them you can find true enlightenment, or what they call "brainwashing."
1. Destroy all sources of creativity around you, even if it means killing someone viciously - One of the hardships of a commercialist is those pesky people who actually think of something "original." Through my laborious research (and many nights of red bull and vodka induced comas) I've found that any form of creativity can only cause problems in the commercialist agenda. Therefore, we must burn/destroy/stomp on/obliterate anything that we didn't make up on our own. That way, there isn't anything new and exciting for people to enjoy other than our mindless, self-indulgent advertising dogmas.
2. Brand your children - Nothing is more vomit-inducing than a child without a purpose, which are basically all children. So why not go the extra step for the rest of society and get your child tattooed with one of your favorite products? That way, you can both support your favorite brand of coffee, cigarettes, iced tea, alcohol, or even bathroom cleaner and have a child that you can actually be proud of. Not to mention it makes naming your child easier than ever. Imagine calling little Marlboro to dinner, or commanding Nestle to mow the grass.
3. Completely disregard generic brands - Sure, generic brands may look and taste exactly the same as name brand products, but what you didn't know was that there's these secret hazardous chemicals laced within them called "additives." Now sure, the name brands contain pretty much the same hazardous chemicals, not to mention they produce the said generic brands, making the illusion of alternative products, but who do you trust?
4. Integrate yourself with your television - Think of the positives to such an action; imagine never missing a beat with your favorite, sponsored TV shows. Just click on the remote and that huge television screen in your stomach will spark to life, sending glorious signals to all corners of your body. It's like orgasming, only without the mess.
5. Do not indulge in anything risky (unless it's sponsored) - To be a true commercialist, you may only consume things that have been certified to be hip, cool, and slightly risqué. If you deter off into unknown territory, you may find yourself in the wrong crowd of people, the so called "individual." Now I haven't seen one of these "individuals" yet, but I'm quite sure they are grotesque and feral in mind. It's just totally unradical to be independent.
So there you go, hopefully I've taught you something today and maybe you too, and your friends, and your family, and anyone close to you, will become a commercialist today.